It's Windy Inside

Last night was super windy at the campus. The mosquito net covering the ventilators was playing with the wind to produce sounds which sounded like music sometime and reminded of ramsay brothers sometime.

The silence of the night at campus respects even the drop of a pin. The wind had all the opportunity to make it’s presence felt. Almost every opaque object which had at least one end lose, was moving with a random rhythm. The beam balance had only one tight end. So, it was literally freaking out.

It appeared as if the wind wanted to blow away every object which came it’s way.

I woke up around 5 in the morning and my mind compared the image of sound of the wind which I slept with and the one I woke up with. I realized the wind had settled. I went out and checked clothes, the buckets, the utensils…that were left outside to enjoy the moonlight. They were all sitting safely, smiling at me. A thought struck me: “The wind said it would blow everything away but, it didn’t mean it.” But, for this thought to dawn, I had to wait for the wind to settle.

It reminded me of myself when the winds of my emotions were flowing with high energy. In some cases the winds gave me a sailing experience. In some, a sailing for others. In some, it promised to take everyone (in it’s way) along. In some, it threatened to blow away everything in it’s way.

In all cases: “did I mean all I said?” To be fair to the rest of the world around me, when they express themselves, “do they mean exactly what they say, for the rest of their life?” I am not trying to undervalue the words we speak. Neither do I mean that expressions are random. I just want to highlight the temporal nature of the images about ourselves and others. For example, say: “Namrata ignores what I say.” I actually mean: “Namrata ignored what I said right now.” Now go to an extreme: “We should get divorced.” She actually means: “Let’s stay away for an hour and come back.” J

When I look at the rest of world as “they don’t mean it”, it gives me peace. When I look at my own expression as “I don’t mean it”, it relieves me of the responsibility of defending my words. I would have said: “he is very arrogant” and next time when I see him humble, I don’t need to burden myself with a conflict. I suddenly realize how I used to take myself so seriously.

I am reminded of a zen monk who was approached by a seeker. The seeker requested the monk: “Can you teach me how to control my emotions?” As they walked along, there was a cool breeze moving the clothes of the monk. The monk replied: “My clothes are flying away. Can you please catch the wind for me?”

Few questions to ponder on:

• Who controls wind - it’s speed, intensity, direction?
•  Does it have a purpose behind blowing?
• Who originates the wind?

Death - the reset button

Electricity went off at amable centre. For some reason, the UPS was not able to support the modem. Priya went and reset the UPS and it started working. We joked that Microsoft should patent "reset methodology". It works almost everywhere starting from computers to mobiles to UPS to individuals. I sometimes wonder if I were GOD or at least in GOD's team of designing life, what would I do differently? One thought I had was - would I make death (and hence, aging) a part of life? Given that it gives one of the extreme pains of separation. As I thought further, I could justify Mr GOD. The amount of conditioning we go through, we require a reset button. It's hard for me to imagine what would happen to me if I never die? Life would become so juiceless. I will get a longer life to work. I am assuming no aging since no death. But, the fun would be that I would hardly do any work since I would predict the results of every possible action based on my pile of beliefs. It amuses me that so many mythology stories and cartoon stories show the villian aspiring to never die. Poor villian. Does he know what he would loose if the precious reset button is lost!!!

Obedience

Since childhood days I have been told that obedience is a virtue but, I am now convinced that it’s rather an arrangement which makes things easier for the adults. Nothing wrong in making things easy for yourself but, the side effect is that the child looses his/her identity. Also, when he/she tries to regain the identity, he/she gets easily labeled as a rebellion. It’s a habit for the child as well as parents. Even now, if I don’t obey my mother, not only my mother, but I also feel something unusual J.

I feel real pain when I see people around me forcing children to obey them. To get rid of this pain, I try to trigger discussions on what are the long term effects of this method but, people are usually close minded. For some of these subjects, our minds have been programmed in certain way for ages and people are unknowingly ensuring that they program their next generation in the same way. Let me admit that till 3-4 years back, me and Namrata were also programmed in the same way and what looks most intuitive and obvious now, the opposite was obvious and intuitive then. Obedience used to be a virtue for us also.

Learning and Pain

Learning often comes through pain, the pain of facing the consequences or the pain of hard to answer questions, etc. In these cases, the pain serves as a trigger. What happens if someone gives you a pain killer or tries to prevent you from the pain? Doesn’t he/she prevent you from the learning as well? Secondly, can someone else experience that pain and make you learn?

Say we are talking about reaching school in time. One way could be that you reach late and face the consequences. The consequences give you ‘enough’ pain to start thinking what can I do differently to reach in time. Other way is that someone else is constantly worried about you reaching in time and keeps showing you the consequences while the intention is to ‘protect’ you from the consequences. We may get desired results in this method as well but, there YOUR goal is not to reach in time but, to keep that someone else satisfied. You always need that someone else for reaching in time. What’s your learning?

If you reach late to school one day, you get another chance the next day. What if you don’t get another chance? This is a standard debate. Is it fine to always let people face the consequences (and experience the pain)? What if the consequences are irreparable? Is there anything irreparable in our life? In the first place, what is a damaging consequence which needs repair? We usually treat the consequences which give unhappiness as damaging. But, do you really become happy for whole life by facing the seemingly non damaging consequences?

I have seen immense recovery power in life. I believe there is nothing irreparable but, I say this intellectually. In practice, I have often seen this belief shaking. I want to know what others feel.

What we want?

One of my friends asked me: “Do we really know in true sense as to …..what do we really want in life?”

I think we always know what we want in life. It’s only that after getting ‘that’, we usually conclude that that’s not what we wanted. Some people conclude it fast, some take time. I believe that after travelling from one dream to another, some dream would be the final one. I also believe for the same reason that we have to keep taking chances with the assumption that this dream is the final one.

When we ask this common question: ‘do we know what we want’, we tend to lose the motivation to act. We extrapolate from our past experience and assume that what we want to do now is also not what I ‘really’ want. I believe here that imagination or someone else’s experience is not the right replacement for one’s own experience. If I now want to setup cooperatives in some village and I happen to meet someone who has already done it, it’s very likely that he/she says that I started with similar dream and succeeded in setting it up but, I didn’t get the happiness I had imagined. I faced the same politics, same conflicts, same behavioural issues, etc. If I decide to not act on what I want, I am depriving myself from that experience and hence, the learning.

I imagine that the goal of everyone’s life is to have a variety of experiences. This variety may vary from one person to other based on his/her circumstances and temporary wants but, will finally lead to the same place. So, the way to go is to follow our ‘temporary wants’ with the preparation that this could be temporary (or this could also be the last one).